The Brothers Cole

Remember my Good Ol' Reliable Father? Well, he has a brother, Jeff. That is all; you can go back to your Christmas shopping now.

Christmas at the Cole House

Every family has its own holiday traditions. One of ours happens to be getting together to decorate the house and the tree for Christmas. Each of us has a special stocking that we hang from the fire place. My mom needle-pointed mine, and Louie's. My brother made my dad's. Here it is:

Aside from the misspelling of our father's name, Steve, please note the Tie Fighter.

And, in keeping with the Star Wars theme, here is my favorite ornament on the tree:




Well, almost my favorite. Because our tree wouldn't be complete without ...


...The Christmas Ballsack, courtesy of Louis & Dad:

FriendPoll: What Is Hell To You?

I posed this question to a few friends: "What is Hell to you?" and encouraged them to include an explanation or anecdote, if they felt so inclined (in the case of Brian, that may have been a mistake). Here are their answers:

Gina: "A world with no ice cream trucks."

David: "I think being in a Pinto, going cross-country with Vince, from ShamWow , no air conditioning, the windows rattle and won't roll down, and the radio's stuck on an AM Banjo station. The seat is stuck upright and won't tilt back, and the seatbelt is too small and digs into my belly. And a cat had peed in the backseat and it smells."

Jody: "My idea of hell is working at a certain place where I was referred to as 'Girl PA,' and was so terrible that I wish diarrhea at an inconvenient time on almost everyone there."

Joe F: "A common interpretation of Purgatory has always been a veritable Waiting Room for Heaven...hanging out, hoping that the the people you have left behind pray for you enough that your number gets called, deli-counter style. I think Hell is sitting in that room holding a number that won't ever be called, but you don't know that. All you know is that some skinny bitch who just got here had her number called three days later and the speaker won't stop playing REM's Everybody Hurts."

Brian: "Hell is an idea that exists in many cultures as a way to balance out the injustices of the world. Both as a means to control people and prevent wrong behavior. And secondly for peace of mind, to believe that all injustices will ultimately be righted. So I believe it is a cultural invention of humankind for disciplinary and comfort purposes. I think the Buddhist hell makes more sense than the Christian one, as rehabilitation or a term of penance, rather than the eternal useless vengeance of Satan's bidness. The ancient Greek hades was interesting because it wasn't necessarily a reward or a punishment, but instead a dreary but necessary next step. Says something about their culture."
(Can someone give Brian a hug and make him watch some cartoons?)

Brandon: "A childproof lock, and I am a child."

Feldman: "Being force fed opera and classical music on a dirty, earthy smelling, outdoors hike with my parents stopping every possible moment to admire the nature." ...30 Minutes later.. "How rude of me not to ask, what is your hell? Something involving massive amounts of vomit?"

Oh, Feldman. You know me so well.

Chef Liz in: "Steer Clear of Steer"

The weather's finally starting to cool down out here in Los Angeles. And when that happens, it's time for heartier food. Soups, stews, casseroles. So, today I'm going to pass along a glorious recipe: Scalloped Potatoes & Tongue.


Of course, I use the word "glorious" the same way I use the word "magnificent" to describe the bombing of Hiroshima.


Gaze in wonder at the recipe card:



The first step is to "Wash tongue well." At first I thought this referred to the diner's tongue, and would have made more sense at the end of the recipe, after the steps "Ingest" and "Regurgitate." But it appears the recipe is talking about beef tongue.

After washing, you boil the tongue, and then it gets really terrible, instructing you to "skim foam" from the boiling water. Pardon? Am I to understand that preparation for tonight's delicious meal involves a step that can be described as skimming beef foam from boiling tongue water?

Hey! Have you seen a cow's tongue? No? Well here you go:



I'd like to move on now, please.

The rest of the recipe is fairly unoffensive, a basic scalloped potato recipe (albeit with the inclusion of an unappealing bovine muscle). But, have you read the suggested menu items? Zucchini salad, glazed carrots, finished off with a strawberry sundae- not too bad. You may be able to get around eating the entree at all. Unless you are a guest- then it would be rude, so you must force down a full plate of this culinary monstrosity. And what will your host, ever-faithful to the recipe card's plan, select as the beverage for this evening? What will be at your disposal when you need desperately to wash down the tongue juices and white sauce?

Ah, yes. Tomato Juice. Thanks, Host. Nothing helps quench a thirst brought on by 2.5 pounds of lingual meat like watered down pizza sauce.

So, remember, this fall, when you're looking for a delicious, substantial recipe... This isn't it.

Last One, I Swear

Here's Louie's arrangement of the jazz classic "It Don't Mean a Thing." It perfectly shows why he is my favorite person in the universe.