Webster's Dictionary of Hollywood B.S.

Until recently, I had been working in the entertainment industry, a setting that seems to breed egocentric blow-hards. I thought I'd be avoiding those kinds of people by leaving show biz, but, alas!, I live in Los Angeles, so there's no avoiding those obnoxious writer types, those wannabe actors, or those self-appointed auteurs. Here are some phrases these folks often spout that annoy me:

"Oh! I heard the script was good." (Variations: "The script was supposed to be good."; "My friend read the script, said it was good.")-- This is often used by Production Assistants who have no real pull in the world of Hollywood, but would like to think they do. They're longing to be "insiders," and they're not, and likely will never be. Being a PA is not a surefire way to success and fortune. I know a guy who used to be a PA, got promoted to coordinator, and now sells cars.

"It's really high concept."-- This is primarily used by douchebags. It is used to describe a screenplay, often when they do not want to elaborate. (They say it's because they don't want their idea stolen. I say it's because either a) there is no screenplay at all or b) there is a screenplay, but it's pathetic and/or they don't know how to verbalize what it is about.) For instance, a couple of years ago I was standing around with my little goofy headset being a Television Slave, and I decided to make conversation with the fellow next to me. "So you're a writer? What're you working on right now?" "Just finished a screenplay, actually." "Ooh! Cool! What's it about?" "Well, it's very high concept, actually, soooo..." It was awkward.

"Big Picture"-- This phrase seems to peppered into disappointed conversations (i.e. "He's not seeing the big picture" or "Let's think big picture here for a sec, mkay?") as a Space Filler. Similar to "like" or "ummmmm," "Big Picture" is devoid of any real meaning. It's a way for the speaker to maintain control of the floor while they collect their thoughts (if they have any).

"Surreal"--This word can be perfectly acceptable, provided it is used in the right context. However, people often use it when they name drop. "Yeah, I was this party over the weekend. Do you even know how surreal it is to see Chuck Woolery play charades?" First of all, settle the hell down. When you're playing charades with Woody Allen, then you've got something to be excited about. Second, I don't think it's surreal so much as it is entertaining and bizarre. When I think "surreal" I think Salvador Dali, not George Hamilton trying to act out "Breakfast at Tiffany's."