Dude- I sing in Portuguese now

So, this weekend, I totally sang in Portuguese. My dad played piano, my brother played drums (and recorded) and our friend Hans played bass. The song is called "É Com Esse Que Eu Vou" by Pedro Caetano, and it's probably my favorite song.

I hope you like it!

My Yearbook Photos

I have lived in my apartment for over a year, but yet I am still unpacking. I was going through a box the other night and found my old yearbooks. I thought I'd share them here with you. (Scroll down slowly, so you don't ruin any surprises!)

Oh man. Remember this hair trend? Yikes! Also, I was high out of my mind (sorry, Mom!) And this was my senior photo! Mortifying...



Here's when I was in eighth grade. Look how young I am! Kids used to say I looked just like my father...

Wow, 11th grade! I had a really bad hickey on my neck for picture day (thanks a lot, Random Boy From Fresno!), which is why my collar is buttoned all the way up...


Aww! 9th grade! I was a little freaked out that day... first day of high school and all. My mom spent hours on my hair do that morning, and I fell asleep on the bus ride to school and mashed the back of it to hell. Oh well! It's still a really nice photo...


No laughing please! I'm actually really embarrassed about this last photo, which is from the 10th grade, when I was in my "Ted Danson" phase...


I hope you all enjoyed this indulgent walk down memory lane as much as I did!

*Thanks to Hartwick Hanson for showing me the website that made this possible. www.yearbookyourself.com.
IF YOU USE THE SITE, PLEASE SEND ME YOUR BEST YEARBOOK PHOTO AND I WILL POST IT HERE!

Althea Parker, Why Do You Look So Sad?

Goodness me, I love the internet. I especially enjoy websites that cater to the desires of people with weird, expensive interests. One of these websites is the Gentleman's Emporium, which has a vast collection of ridiculous Victorian and Edwardian outfits for both genders. I like this website better than other costume websites because not only do they sell the pieces separately for ease of mixing and matching, but they bring the outfits to life with the name and title of the fictitious person who may have worn such a thing. PLUS- Backstories!




Why, look! Here is Phoebe Robinson, Stenographer:

She's a widow!
Her husband died in what the website refers to as "the great fire of three years ago." That was 2005, so I'm pretty sure they are referring to the big fires in Simi Valley. Also, she is fond of hats that look like a giant potpourri sachet exploded on her head.









Next up is Professor Babcock, Man of Science:

His entire outfit costs over $500! It is also extremely flammable and may, at any moment be ignited by a bunsen burner! It's a good thing that, as the site mentions, he spends a lot of time giving lectures "at the esteemed Institute of Technology!" How the Victorians love being vague!






And then we have the perseverant and puffy Caroline Sullivan, Pioneer. Caroline's backstory features:

*Surviving "a bout of the ague!"
*Surviving an "Indian attack!"
*Surviving the birth of five children!
*Surviving on a farm without her husband!
*An actual quote by Ms. Sullivan about her arrival in town after surviving the long journey!







And take a look at this asshole, Baron von Frohmann, Aeronaut:

In his unbelievable hat, he builds dirigibles. Also, he doesn't believe in Bernoulli's principles. The website's creators were lucky enough to find a quote from the Baron on the subject. He said that the flights of heavier craft were "mere parlor tricks, no more interesting to the scientist than the ballistic flight of a well-shot cannonball." It should be noted that he hails from the fictional land of "Frohmann."








And last, there is Althea Parker, Victorian Lady:

Althea! Why so glum? Your husband is the well known Dr. Calvin Parker! You have three boys! You started the public library, and were the school's superintendent! Chin up, Althea! Put on a more brightly colored snood and smile!!







*Special thanks to David Malloy, Burbank Gentleman, for finding this site!

Thank You, Foreign Persons!

Am I Right, Girls?

I've noticed a trend in commercials for any food product geared toward woman. They always feature a woman indulging in their product, seriously and solitarily. Take Dove chocolate for example. In a typical commercial, a sun dress-clad woman can often be found sitting in a well-appointed bedroom or living room, alone, in a comfortable chair. After a few moments of looking smugly relaxed, she'll reach for a solitary piece of Dove chocolate and, eyes closed, bite a third of it off, a smile creeping across her lips.

Now, I'm not usually one to go for the "You ladies know what I'm talking about" humor, but seriously. These commercials are crap, and YOU LADIES KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. Have you ever had Dove chocolate? Or any chocolate for that matter? Of course you have. The only time it's ever eaten timidly and slowly is in the presence of royalty, or a new boyfriend. Otherwise, if you're a chick, having a relaxing day at home alone, you're in sweatpants, lying on the couch watching Iron Chef. It is inevitable that you will go for the chocolate, but there is no way that you slowly bite into a single piece. Hell no. You tear into an entire bag of chocolates and cram 'em in, nine at a time, until they're gone.

While writing this post, I was poking around YouTube to try and find an example of one of these commercials. All I could really find were a few ads from China. I've posted one on here that I find particularly weird.
Let's discuss it, shall we?


First, there appears to be some suggestive material here. The young waiter sees the woman, clearly taken with her beauty. Then, seconds later, we see what can only be described as implied sexual imagery.


Gross!





The weirdest part, though, is when she bites into the candy, this strange, chocolaty satin monster appears out of nowhere, wrapping itself around her body, preventing her from breathing properly. It encases her, and then moves on to attack the poor young man.




Upon further analysis, however, I have deduced that this silken horror has actually been summoned by the girl to rid her relaxing day of the perverted waiter. Because, if you're going to have some quality "Me Time," the last thing you want is some guy watching you chow down on your chocolate.


You ladies know what I'm talking about.

Happy The Olympics, everyone!

If you're like me, you're going to enjoy the Olympics. But, if you're like the fine fellows at Funbox, you are REALLY going to enjoy the Olympics. Watch below...

What in blazes?

Välkomnande Till Helvetet

So, I recently bought some new Ikea furniture, and boy are my arms tired.

Seriously, folks. They are freaking tired. Four pieces of furniture were purchased, each box weighing around 80 pounds. I live on the second floor. I am not a body builder. By the time I got them all up the stairs and assembled, I was sweating like Sammy Hagar.

Thankfully, that was a little while ago, and I see the the whole incident as kind of funny now.

Except the part about actually going to Ikea and buying the stuff.

I showed up at Ikea after a long day at work, so already I was a little cranky. As convenient as self-serve, do-it-yourself furniture may seem, it can be an enormous hassle. One that starts as soon as you walk in the door and are faced with the giant flight of stairs. As you ascend, you pass a giant poster of a hot dog. "50¢!" it declares. Great, you think. Now, all I want are hot dogs.

Then as you fight your enraging, post-work meat craving, you must wind your way through displays of living room sets crowded with scads of obese shoppers who feel it is acceptable to just stop in the middle of the pathway to place a phone call to their roommate about the various wood finishes available. And of course you have to remain aware of the wild children. Some of them, surely, belong to the portly shoppers. But I'm fairly certain many of them are just bred in the kitchen accessories area and left to survive on uneaten meatballs and leftover gobs of Lingonberry jam. They're everywhere, and have no concept of how crowds move. When you eventually come across a satisfactory bookshelf, you have to scramble to find your pathetic golf pencil and scribble down its dimensions and warehouse location.

On this last excursion, when I had safely made it through The Impulse Buy Chamber (or "Markethall" as they call it) to the self-serve warehouse, I found it crawling with customers, but inexplicably devoid of any employees. When I finally found someone wearing the signature blue and yellow shirt, I asked them where I could find my product. It was called something unreasonably Swedish like Berkshtøg or Käck or Fleenbrex or something like that, and as I tried to pronounce it, the poor fellow, quite understandably, looked at me like I was a sick horse. He feebly pointed to the furthest corner of the warehouse and then abandoned me.

When I arrived at the correct area, I optimistically yanked on the proper box. It didn't move. I yanked again, this time with conviction. I was so close to my hot dog goal; This was the final step. I had to finish. After several more attempts, I looked up. A young be-wifebeatered man was staring at me. "Heh. Looks like that's pretty heavy." "Yes," I said, backing away from the box, expectantly. "Yeah. That shit's heavy." Then he made a terrible sound from the back of his throat, scratched his nutsackular region and walked off.

Miraculously, I made it out of there without needing any pricey chiropractic procedures, and managed to fit the huge boxes into my little German vehicle. But, by the time I'd dropped close to four C's, and had lugged shelves around on a wobbly cart for a half an hour, the cafe was closed, and so I went home without any hot dogs at all.

Tuesday

This morning, there was an earthquake. Gina and I decided that was when our day peaked. Here is a graphical representation of our day, based on today's anomaly and data gathered from previous workdays. (Click on graph for a larger view.)

Spam Asks, I Answer (Part I)

Hello there, BlogFriends!

As I'm sure you are aware, the amount of Spam the average person receives in their email inbox increases daily. But what many of us are not aware of is the fact that much of what goes into your Spam folder is not actually Spam at all. It is very often some poor soul's attempt to reach out for help. They don't know where else to turn, and so they ask you. Often, these messages are pleas for help with personal issues. But I also interpret these messages as cries for grammar help. And so, in an effort to help these folks, I have decided to set up a help column for these so-called "Spammers."
*(These are all actual Spam messages I have received.)
*****

Vandegrift Finnigan writes:

Subject: quidnunc insist

Be brought there. And introduced by vidura they full many a fat patriarch had he in mew, and many by jimmie. And unto him, saying, 'the sungiven vessel remains on kansas than a slavestate constitution. if kansas brave drona hath been slain by the highsouled you will leave the whole thing in my hands, and gave evidence of military ability.' He showed that waters were blood, and whose eddies were cars, be achieved.

Well Vandegrift, I'm proud of you. It takes a lot of courage to stand up to Jimmie like that. I know him, and he can be a tough one. But where do you go from there? Well, first, I'd move somewhere quiet. Get out of Kansas-- the blood waters can be hell on your skin. Second, befriend the local fat patriarch. This will make it more difficult for Jimmie to get to you. Good luck!
*****

Sullivan writes:

Subject: New strain of AIDS discovered

Black minorities no longer required to vote in Presidential election

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Sullivan. I think you've got your history mixed up. Requirement was never the issue. Check out Wikipedia and search "Plantation." Additionally, you may want to ask your doctor about the difference between viruses and politics.
*****

Dojaaren writes:

Subject: Truth about bonzai kitties

Why do girls participate in orgies explain here.

Dojaaren-

Good question! Interestingly, all girls (or "bonzai kitties," as your people call them) have different reasons for participating. Sometimes, they are just bored. Mostly, though, it has to do with alcohol and low-self esteem. Google those terms. And good luck with your orgy-ing!
*****

And so, dear readers, concludes the first installment of my Spam help column. I hope this inspires you to open your heart each time you open your Spam folder.

Spread The Word

My pals at FunBox have just released this video... Please, watch and enjoy!

For more, please visit: http://youtube.com/user/funboxcomedy

When my brother was on tour

My brother's band, The F3w, spent last summer touring around the west coast. At a gas station, they found a wolf. They brought it with them. It caused trouble. Behold:

Remember that Craigslist Ad?

Okay, so, my parents, after reading the "Jo on rails" post from last week, wanted to know what the verb, "jo" meant. My mother, being the net-savvy chick she is, got on The Google, and found this:

Jo! The Art of the Japanese Short Staff!



Sure, Ma. Some people might call it that.

Heard in an ad ageny boardroom...

"Hey, Barry?
"Yeah, Dick?"
"I think what we need to sell Subway sandwiches, I mean really sell them is--"
"Go on, Dick."
"I think we need a guy who looks like this." --->
"Dick, you must be mental!"
"No, no. Hear me out. He can talk about how much weight he's lost eating Subway sandwiches and flash a big, dorky smile. He'll even hold up these giant pants!"
"You may have something there, Dick. Nothing makes a sandwich more appealing than a pasty fellow in Dockers."

How can you possibly be sad...

... when there is THIS is the world?
Thanks to Greg Garvin for the heads up.

Let's Discover!

Juan Rodriguez Cabrillo, the Spanish explorer for which my former elementary school is named, was the first European to navigate the California coast and completely disrupt the Chumash people living there.

So, in the spirit of ol' Juany, join me, on a voyage of discovery into the cafeteria of Juan Cabrillo Elementary School in Malibu, CA.


First up, on May 7th, we have Brunch For Lunch Day!
Aww. How adorable. When I was in elementary school, that kind of thing was always fun. It was a special occasion, getting to eat French Toast in the middle of the day! On a Wednesday, even!
So that's pretty exciting for those kids.



But it can't always be as riveting as hash browns. Sometimes it's as boring as...

Fairly pathetic. But at least it's reliable. There are a few things on this menu that I would never let my Hypothetical Son, Trevor, eat.

For instance, the Manager's Choice (code for: Stuff Left In The District-Funded Industrial Freezer Since Last Semester.)

A thought on which to meditate:
School cafeterias have Managers. Like a McDonald's. Or a Dress Barn.

Still. At least this is a person hired by a presumably trustworthy Superintendent and has some qualification for making student dining choices.


This on the other hand is just plain frightening. Why are there so many asterisks?!

***Subject to availability.

...

***May or may not contain asbestos.

...

***Animal from which ribs originate unknown.

Sorry, Hypothetical Trevor. Mommy's packing you some fruit snacks and leftover chutney.


Finally, on May 14th, they innocently offer...




Eew. Again with the asterisks. And what the hell is a blaster?
Gastric foreshadowing anyone? I can just see those poor children, opening their fortune cookies and reading, "You will soon make a heavy investment in Immodium."

Thank god my mother loved me, and made me eat tuna fish sandwiches out of a Minnie Mouse lunch box every day.

All Boozed Up With Nowhere To Go

Statistics show that one in every 3 people is an annoying jerk.* So in a group of 5,400 people, for example, we find that 1,800 people are jerks. Therefore, it's likely that, if you encounter 5,400 folks over a certain period of time, you're going to end up having a few run-ins with some pretty obnoxious characters (assuming you yourself are not one of the 1,800).

Now. Let's put these people in one place, with no exits. Like, oh, I dunno, a big, fat cruise ship in the middle of the ocean. And watch the fun begin!

This is what Royal Caribbean has in essence proposed with it's gargantuan Project Genesis ships. The latest is a 5,400-person, 16-deck affair, with a climate-controlled outdoor garden, casinos (plural!), an indoor ice skating rink, a water park, a boxing ring, and some kind of on-board surfing thing which I can't really figure out. And that's just the stuff I can remember off the top of my head! Oh, right. They also have "cantilevered whirlpools," whatever that means. It sounds great, right?

Recall the Rule of Jerks and realize that, while you're waiting patiently to use one of those self-leveling pool tables you've heard so much about, Bob Dumbass is going to be in front of you, drunk out of his mind, telling the pretty girl with the cue in her hand that, damn, she really knows how to handle that wood. During a quiet skate around the ice rink, Mr. Dumbass will get cocky, come barreling toward you and triple lutz himself right into your knees. And when you're checking out the boxing ring, Bob is going to come up, offer to be your sparring partner and then beat the living hell out of you to impress a group of booze-soaked forty-somethings on a Girl's Only trip.

Yes, this is the trip for you if you've always wanted to hang out with a bunch of loud, pushy people with nowhere to go but mini-golfing.

Aside from jerks, does Royal Caribbean know what it's getting into with all of these on-board balance-centric activities, like ice skating and rock climbing? I mean, what if the ship hits a patch of bad weather? Even though Royal Caribbean probably has that scenario covered, Bob Dumbass is still going to raise a stink when he's told no, he can't go climbing, because it's raining. And what if some unforeseen thing happens to the ship? Like the monster from Cloverfield awakens, or Captain Nemo rams into the hull with the Nautilus... WHAT THEN, ROYAL CARIBBEAN!??! Bob Dumbass will surely tumble to his death!

Maybe that solves the jerk problem, though.


*According to a study by The Institute of Me, Liz Cole.

VOTE FOR FUNBOX COMEDY- ONE MORE TIME!

Hello Friends!!



SO! The guys at FunBox Comedy made it into the Top 10 (out of THOUSANDS of entries) in YouTube's Sketchies II Contest-- and they couldn't have done it without you!!!

For this round, they created a new video called "Astounding Tales of the Hunt," which you can, and should, vote on NOW!

To Vote:

- Go to: http://youtube.com/sketchies2
- Halfway down the page (below the playing video) you will see a box labled "Search for a Video." Type in: funboxcomedy. Click 'Go.'
- A small picture will appear where the search bar was. Click it. Their video "Astounding Tales of the Hunt" should start playing.
- Click the thumbs up button. It should turn green.

That's it! You can vote once a day and voting lasts till April 15th.

Thank you so much for supporting my friends. Winning this contest would be an amazing opportunity for three very talented guys. PLEASE pass this along to anyone you can think of!

My Best Pal

Melvin Cole
February 18th, 1997 - March 22, 2008

He liked eating, sleeping, dirt, and easy-to-kill wildlife.

I'll miss you, Fathead.

URGENT: VOTING ROUND 1!!!!

Hello!

Remember that hilarious Bard video by the folks at FunBox that I told you all to watch? (You don't? Well, that's stupid, because it's only two posts below this one, dummy.) Well, guess what!? All of your watching paid off! They're in the TOP TWENTY! That means that now, they need your help! Don't look at me like that- you were warned. I told you they'd likely need your votes at some point in time. NOW IS THAT TIME!!!

HERE'S HOW (And don't wuss out because there are four steps. You all took the SATs. You can figure this out, dammit.)

1. Visit http://www.youtube.com/user/Sketchies2
2. In the middle of the right hand of the screen a search box will appear. Type funboxcomedy and press "Go"
3. Click on the video that appears below it. The video should load. It is called "Spring Break Bard."
4. Press the thumbs up button!

That wasn't so hard, was it? Of course not! ColeAhUm Friend, David Malloy, even voted - FIVE TIMES - and said, "It was easy and there was very little blood involved!" SEE?!

KEEP VOTING OFTEN! And, if you're a really good person, you'll send this to your friends and family and tell them to do the same!

****Semi Finals Voting goes until the 19th SO QUIT WASTING TIME AND START VOTIN'!!!