Remember that Craigslist Ad?

Okay, so, my parents, after reading the "Jo on rails" post from last week, wanted to know what the verb, "jo" meant. My mother, being the net-savvy chick she is, got on The Google, and found this:

Jo! The Art of the Japanese Short Staff!



Sure, Ma. Some people might call it that.

Heard in an ad ageny boardroom...

"Hey, Barry?
"Yeah, Dick?"
"I think what we need to sell Subway sandwiches, I mean really sell them is--"
"Go on, Dick."
"I think we need a guy who looks like this." --->
"Dick, you must be mental!"
"No, no. Hear me out. He can talk about how much weight he's lost eating Subway sandwiches and flash a big, dorky smile. He'll even hold up these giant pants!"
"You may have something there, Dick. Nothing makes a sandwich more appealing than a pasty fellow in Dockers."

How can you possibly be sad...

... when there is THIS is the world?
Thanks to Greg Garvin for the heads up.

Let's Discover!

Juan Rodriguez Cabrillo, the Spanish explorer for which my former elementary school is named, was the first European to navigate the California coast and completely disrupt the Chumash people living there.

So, in the spirit of ol' Juany, join me, on a voyage of discovery into the cafeteria of Juan Cabrillo Elementary School in Malibu, CA.


First up, on May 7th, we have Brunch For Lunch Day!
Aww. How adorable. When I was in elementary school, that kind of thing was always fun. It was a special occasion, getting to eat French Toast in the middle of the day! On a Wednesday, even!
So that's pretty exciting for those kids.



But it can't always be as riveting as hash browns. Sometimes it's as boring as...

Fairly pathetic. But at least it's reliable. There are a few things on this menu that I would never let my Hypothetical Son, Trevor, eat.

For instance, the Manager's Choice (code for: Stuff Left In The District-Funded Industrial Freezer Since Last Semester.)

A thought on which to meditate:
School cafeterias have Managers. Like a McDonald's. Or a Dress Barn.

Still. At least this is a person hired by a presumably trustworthy Superintendent and has some qualification for making student dining choices.


This on the other hand is just plain frightening. Why are there so many asterisks?!

***Subject to availability.

...

***May or may not contain asbestos.

...

***Animal from which ribs originate unknown.

Sorry, Hypothetical Trevor. Mommy's packing you some fruit snacks and leftover chutney.


Finally, on May 14th, they innocently offer...




Eew. Again with the asterisks. And what the hell is a blaster?
Gastric foreshadowing anyone? I can just see those poor children, opening their fortune cookies and reading, "You will soon make a heavy investment in Immodium."

Thank god my mother loved me, and made me eat tuna fish sandwiches out of a Minnie Mouse lunch box every day.

All Boozed Up With Nowhere To Go

Statistics show that one in every 3 people is an annoying jerk.* So in a group of 5,400 people, for example, we find that 1,800 people are jerks. Therefore, it's likely that, if you encounter 5,400 folks over a certain period of time, you're going to end up having a few run-ins with some pretty obnoxious characters (assuming you yourself are not one of the 1,800).

Now. Let's put these people in one place, with no exits. Like, oh, I dunno, a big, fat cruise ship in the middle of the ocean. And watch the fun begin!

This is what Royal Caribbean has in essence proposed with it's gargantuan Project Genesis ships. The latest is a 5,400-person, 16-deck affair, with a climate-controlled outdoor garden, casinos (plural!), an indoor ice skating rink, a water park, a boxing ring, and some kind of on-board surfing thing which I can't really figure out. And that's just the stuff I can remember off the top of my head! Oh, right. They also have "cantilevered whirlpools," whatever that means. It sounds great, right?

Recall the Rule of Jerks and realize that, while you're waiting patiently to use one of those self-leveling pool tables you've heard so much about, Bob Dumbass is going to be in front of you, drunk out of his mind, telling the pretty girl with the cue in her hand that, damn, she really knows how to handle that wood. During a quiet skate around the ice rink, Mr. Dumbass will get cocky, come barreling toward you and triple lutz himself right into your knees. And when you're checking out the boxing ring, Bob is going to come up, offer to be your sparring partner and then beat the living hell out of you to impress a group of booze-soaked forty-somethings on a Girl's Only trip.

Yes, this is the trip for you if you've always wanted to hang out with a bunch of loud, pushy people with nowhere to go but mini-golfing.

Aside from jerks, does Royal Caribbean know what it's getting into with all of these on-board balance-centric activities, like ice skating and rock climbing? I mean, what if the ship hits a patch of bad weather? Even though Royal Caribbean probably has that scenario covered, Bob Dumbass is still going to raise a stink when he's told no, he can't go climbing, because it's raining. And what if some unforeseen thing happens to the ship? Like the monster from Cloverfield awakens, or Captain Nemo rams into the hull with the Nautilus... WHAT THEN, ROYAL CARIBBEAN!??! Bob Dumbass will surely tumble to his death!

Maybe that solves the jerk problem, though.


*According to a study by The Institute of Me, Liz Cole.

VOTE FOR FUNBOX COMEDY- ONE MORE TIME!

Hello Friends!!



SO! The guys at FunBox Comedy made it into the Top 10 (out of THOUSANDS of entries) in YouTube's Sketchies II Contest-- and they couldn't have done it without you!!!

For this round, they created a new video called "Astounding Tales of the Hunt," which you can, and should, vote on NOW!

To Vote:

- Go to: http://youtube.com/sketchies2
- Halfway down the page (below the playing video) you will see a box labled "Search for a Video." Type in: funboxcomedy. Click 'Go.'
- A small picture will appear where the search bar was. Click it. Their video "Astounding Tales of the Hunt" should start playing.
- Click the thumbs up button. It should turn green.

That's it! You can vote once a day and voting lasts till April 15th.

Thank you so much for supporting my friends. Winning this contest would be an amazing opportunity for three very talented guys. PLEASE pass this along to anyone you can think of!

My Best Pal

Melvin Cole
February 18th, 1997 - March 22, 2008

He liked eating, sleeping, dirt, and easy-to-kill wildlife.

I'll miss you, Fathead.

URGENT: VOTING ROUND 1!!!!

Hello!

Remember that hilarious Bard video by the folks at FunBox that I told you all to watch? (You don't? Well, that's stupid, because it's only two posts below this one, dummy.) Well, guess what!? All of your watching paid off! They're in the TOP TWENTY! That means that now, they need your help! Don't look at me like that- you were warned. I told you they'd likely need your votes at some point in time. NOW IS THAT TIME!!!

HERE'S HOW (And don't wuss out because there are four steps. You all took the SATs. You can figure this out, dammit.)

1. Visit http://www.youtube.com/user/Sketchies2
2. In the middle of the right hand of the screen a search box will appear. Type funboxcomedy and press "Go"
3. Click on the video that appears below it. The video should load. It is called "Spring Break Bard."
4. Press the thumbs up button!

That wasn't so hard, was it? Of course not! ColeAhUm Friend, David Malloy, even voted - FIVE TIMES - and said, "It was easy and there was very little blood involved!" SEE?!

KEEP VOTING OFTEN! And, if you're a really good person, you'll send this to your friends and family and tell them to do the same!

****Semi Finals Voting goes until the 19th SO QUIT WASTING TIME AND START VOTIN'!!!

What's The Score On The Red Wings Game?

Good god. This is wonderful.


9-11 Marijunana Brownies

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Watch This Video Eight or Nine Times!

My dear friends at FunBox Comedy have entered a VERY IMPORTANT VIDEO CONTEST and NEED YOUR HELP. Please watch this video. Give it some traffic. Direct your pals to the video, too! Post links to it on your blogs! HIRE A PLANE TO WRITE THE URL IN THE SKY!!!!

If the judges like it, we'll all be VOTING FOR THEM, so get ready for that, too! Remember: They'd vote for YOU if YOU ever did anything important!

Overdue Apologies (Part II)

To my brother Louie:

Please understand: sometimes, when they are five, older siblings just need to experiment with how far they can stretch their power. It does not reflect how much love or respect they may have for their younger siblings. It is purely a matter of wanting to see how their cunning and brute strength compares.

Admittedly, sometimes older siblings are already well aware of how much more powerful they are. Further exercising of said power, especially over a three-year old, is just mean.

I am sure you recall the tale of The Blame And The Bath Water, in which I totally sold you out to mom for having dumped a huge cup of gross, tepid bath water on the already mildew-ridden bathroom floor.

You were just sitting there in the bathtub, finishing up whatever war you'd set up between different factions of Happy Meal toys, and I was standing with my back to the space heater in my towel, shivering. A lot of that evening is a blur of guilt, but I do remember that you looked happy playing in the water, lips blue, curly hair wet and disheveled. So happy, in fact, that I had to ruin it.

"Louie," I most likely said. "Fill that cup up with water and dump it on the floor." I was smooth, sly, convincing. You were naive, happy-go-lucky, easily convinced. You trusted me, your older sister, to teach you to do cool stuff and to invite you to partake only in safe activities. After all, I had taught you how to put on killer performances in the living room. I had taught you how to chew great wads of Big League Chew so you could look like an incredibly manly, nicotine-addicted baseball player with your friends. I had taught you how to expertly skip from couch cushion to couch cushion, avoiding crocodiles, quick sand, lava, and other hazards. So why should you be suspicious of this new activity?

You happily grabbed the cup floating next to you, scooped up some gray water, and brought it to the edge of the tub. "Come on. Do it," I urged. So you did.

The next thing I did was go to the door and yell, "MOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!! LOUIE DUMPED WATER ALL OVER THE FLOOR!!!!!!!!!!!"

Mom came running up, and scolded you. I'm sure it wasn't a severe scolding, but right now I am remembering it as though she screamed at you for hours. I do remember you trying to explain what had happened. "Lizzy said to! Lizzy said to!" but I somehow managed to beat the system and get off totally unscolded, smugly smiling all the while.

So, Louie. I am sorry. For the bathwater incident, and for any other time I manipulated you into doing my bidding. And while I know all those wrestling lessons I gave you on the front lawn can never make up fully for all the times I was crappy to you, I certainly hope they help.

So Cute I Could Puke

Ask yourself:
Am I a middle-aged single lady that enjoys pictures of kittens?

If you answered yes, have I got a website for you!!


This website makes me feel like I should be wearing a cable-knit sweater featuring a bear holding a pink balloon.

I'm serious.

I laughed, I cried, I wasted an hour...

Visit http://www.onesentence.org/ for some simple true stories, told in one sentence.

Scatology 101

Because the guy who used to live in my apartment didn't have his mail properly forwarded, I get the best mis-delivered mail in the world. Aside from catalogs for places that sell only Christmas-themed gourd art, he also gets a Doctor's Alert newsletter. Each installment is designed to sell you an herbal product that will remedy some ailment you didn't even know you had that could totally kill you. Last month it was "You Have Up To Eight Cups of Mucus In Your Nasal Cavity That Is Breeding Bacteria And Trying To Kill You And Leave Your Children Fatherless" brochure. I'm not actually kidding about that, either. They're that serious about your nostril health.
But this time around it was the Doctor's Digestive Health Alert which immediately boasted:
Intrigued, I flipped it over and was delighted by the following:
So, naturally, I committed a felony. I opened that sucker up and turned to page 3. Good thing, too! Because I learned a lot! For instance did you know that...
...? I sure didn't! Look how forlorn this gentleman looks, trying in vain to have an early morning crap, his pajamas surely becoming damp from the sweat and tears brought on by this intense challenge.



Also, they're racist:

The newsletter doesn't even try to make this a kind, gentle warning about the difficulties you could encounter if you continue not to use their product. There are frightening statements like "If your poop is thin and twisted or round and hard, you could have a narrow clogged colon that's strained to a bursting point!" The bursting part isn't what scares me. It's the word "poop," being used in an advertisement that is trying to look like a real science journal.

Things that also shouldn't be used in a faux-medical journal include phrases such as "helps flush away hidden gunk SO YOU CAN POOP IN SECONDS!" and testimonials with nebulous syntax that leave you confused and upset, like:Now, we can agree that a miracle is in general a good thing. But are we to believe that Agnes obtained relief with this product after twenty years of inconvenience and found it to be miraculous? Or is the miracle that the gastric ailment spanned two delightful decades? If we are to believe the former, did Ms. Pettipaw think to consult a physician during this time at all? Or was she just content to be a slave to the toilet until the right homeopathic cure came along?

Lastly, I object to this photo:
because a pamphlet about poop is no place for a ham sandwich.

Dear Gene Taylor,

Thank you for always offering me advice. For always listening to me. For always encouraging me musically.
Thank you for being a great friend.
And thank you, THANK YOU, for sending me THIS.

GlaxoSmithKline: "Just Trust Us."

Scab Script

It really is time for "ER" to come back into production because- HEY!- I live in LA and I don't have any roommates and I'm broke. So, in an effort to help the process along, I've begun writing a script. Here it is:


INT. Hospital- Night
Hustle, bustle and etc as the paramedics bang through the doors of the ER with two 20 something males on one gurney.

Paramedic: We've got two frat boys stuck in the same pair of pants coming through. BPs 50/120 and 45/167 respectively. Major bruising and embarrassment.
Hot female doctor #1: Hello boys. Looks like you're in quite a pickle.

Frat Boy 1 GROANS. All of a sudden, the roof collapses and THOUSANDS OF LIVE CRABS rain into the ER. Chaos.

Boyish, Humorous Doctor: Holy crustaceans! There's more crabs in here than in Nick Nolte's mattress!
Hot Female Doctor #2: I need a crash cart in here!!!

ALARMS SOUND and we see an elderly woman hooked up to a monitor stumbling around, having a cardiac episode while 6 or 7 crabs cling to her face.

Elderly Woman: galeeakkakgllhggghhhlllkkkkkkkk...

A Surly, Devil-May-Care Male Doctor runs in, out of breath.

Surly, Devil-May-Care Male Doctor: I know it sounds crazy but..
Hot Female Doctor #2 : What's that, Dr. Surly?
Surly, Devil-May-Care Male Doctor: The only way to cure this woman is by dunking her in boiling water!
Boyish, Humorous Doctor: Sounds delicious!!

Then there would be a COMMERCIAL BREAK, after which there would be some heartfelt PROFESSIONS OF LOVE between Dr. Surly and Hot Female Doctor #1, and Hot Female Doctor #2 would be all pissy about it and make out with one of the frat boys just for good measure (while he's still stuck in the pants with the other frat boy). Then Dr. Surly and HFD#1 would go hump in the janitor's closet and in the middle of it all, Dr. Surly would let out a gutteral howl, which would cause Boyish, Humorous Doctor to burst in, thinking there was trouble, and he would see HFD#1 mid-lotus with Dr. Surly, a crab clinging to the bottom of his nut hammock.

Overdue Apologies (Part I)

This evening's soundtrack: "Nothing Really Blue" by Penguin Cafe Orchestra

Dear Jesse Ortega,

I apologize for that time I gave you the finger in the second grade.

I don't know where you are now, or what you're doing, but I'm sure you will be able to agree that the gesture wasn't personal. As 8 year olds go, I was generally pretty nice. But, as was the case with all of us, my sense of what to do when confronted with annoyance was underdeveloped. Too young to express dislike with a logical and concise argument, and far too old to simply haul off and slug one another, we were trapped in an experimental phase. The only way we knew how to settle things was by what we learned from the older kids on the playground, or from a few stolen moments watching more "grown up" TV.

So, when your stuff began to migrate over the clearly drawn pencil line that separated our desks, I felt a surge of energy well up inside me and I smiled coldly and gave you the finger, feeling instantly proud of myself. You were speechless. It was a triumphant moment. My next door neighbor, life coach, and older (NINE!), wiser friend, Josh, would have been pleased. His tutelage had paid off-- playing Action Movie in his back yard and studying the work of Eddie Murphy when our parents weren't looking.

You already know that Mr. Clark saw it all and actually dragged me from the classroom as I clung to desks and chairs, like it was the end of some insane courtroom scene, and made me sit outside for five minutes. But what you don't know is, when I came back, I flipped you off under the desk for probably a full minute, this time out of genuine anger. I hope you can forgive me for that. It wasn't your fault. And it wasn't Mr. Clark's fault either. And Josh was as innocent as I was, really.

I'm blaming Eddie Murphy.

Check this Oot.

I know I haven't actually WRITTEN anything in awhile, but how can I, when there are so many wonderful things to just SHOW you?
Freaking Canada just got about 56 more Rad Points for having aired this PSA during very busy
Hockey Night.









Kudos, Northern Friends!

Best TV Moment of 2007

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia has done it again-- they have given the television viewer something to watch over and over and over again at work. Last year they did it with the scene in the episode "Hundred Dollar Baby" where Charlie attempts to eat a sandwich while undergoing violent, steroid-induced mood swings.

This year, in the episode "Dee is Dating a Retarded Person," they have brought us something wonderful. Something called "Day Man." I have it here, for your enjoyment.






Genius.